This is a tough one.
If you’re a mom, you’ve probably felt guilty more than once for lots of reasons – feeling like you’re not being present, working too many hours of the day, stealing away to scroll mindlessly on your phone for a few minutes (or hours), or taking time for yourself.
Why do we feel guilty for putting ourselves first?
I think culturally we have been led to believe that a mom should be able to, for lack of a better string of words, “do it all.” But no one can. Let’s really take this one in:
No one can do it all!
How freeing it is to let some of the responsibility go.
I think it’s normal for some women to strive to be the best partner, daughter, sister, friend, and mother. Having a driving force to want to improve is healthy. But when that drive does not allow for normal ups and downs, it can affect your perspective on yourself, or worse, your self worth.
Separating your actions and productivity from your self worth can help you drop some of the mom guilt. Despite what our culture would have you believe, you are not what you bring to the table. You are an incredible asset to the world, to your community, to your family, and especially to your baby – just by being you.
I read an article once that said when women describe themselves, they most often respond with identifiers such as “mom,” “wife,” or “daughter,” while men tend to respond with the core of who they are – “I love to eat burritos, read biographies, and watch documentaries.” (This may or may not describe my spouse). Remember who the girl inside of you was before you became a mom? The girl that would put on 90s hip hop to dance by herself and watch Dawson’s Creek without shame? (This may or may not describe me).
Remembering the you before you became a mom and honoring her can also help to drop the guilt. You aren’t just a mom – you are a lover of adventure, going to the movie theaters, window shopping, tinkering around Target, reading exciting books, biking, singing, lying on the sand at the beach, playing soccer, or taking relaxing baths.
As part of the intake with Doula Babe, I like to know things that you like to do for self-care. Instead of fitting this into the day-to-day bustle of the postpartum period, aim to make this a part of the routine. Taking the time to recharge will only have positive effects for the household and prepare you for whatever comes that day. And when you have a fuller cup, you’ll have more to pour out for your baby and your partner.
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You are enough despite what you get accomplished.
You are the same girl now but with a new job title. Honor your past life and try to marry it with your life now.
Chip away at the guilt by communicating your emotions and feelings daily.
Try to accept what you can give today and be gentle with yourself tomorrow.
Love,
Mom Guilt Survivor x 2